My Own “Infertility” Journey

 

 

This post is by Fabiana Bacchini:

Almost everyday I come across a woman who is trying to get pregnant without success. I hear stories of people who wonder if they can get pregnant and have been trying for years. I see successful career women avoiding the subject all together. The pain and the frustration are visible. Sometimes they just want to give up because they don’t know what else to do.

This is the reason why I decided to share my own story.  I want to show these women that they are not alone. Right now there are thousands of other women across the globe going through the same thing.

I had been married for two years when my husband and I decided it was time to grow the family. I thought it was going to happen right away. Up to that point in my life, when I wanted something I made it happen – easily and effortlessly.

Month after month I waited for my period NOT to come. I was excited waiting for the day I was going to go to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. And I waited….and waited. Not so patiently. In the meantime, six of my friends here In Canada got pregnant and also my best friend in Brazil. I was excited for them and also anxious to be part of that ‘pregnant’ group. But it didn’t happen for me at that time.

One year passed by.  According to my family doctor there was no apparent reason I couldn’t conceive naturally. However, she suggested that I see a fertility specialist. I had to wait for the appointment for three months.

The Beginning

I was very nervous when I walked in the fertility clinic for the first time. It was an uncomfortable situation. My husband and I filled up a huge questionnaire – very intimate questions – followed by an interview with the doctor.

“Well, we will need to run a few tests, some ultrasounds, monitor your cycle”, the doctor went on and on.  My mind was spinning. For the first time in my life I felt I had lost control of the situation. I could no longer decide on when I would like to have a baby or make any other plans for that matter. I thought that my future was in this doctor’s hands.

Months passed by and I was still doing tests, waiting for results, going for blood work almost every day. I simply couldn’t take my mind off of it. I couldn’t even imagine relaxing.

Please do not tell a woman to RELAX when she is going through fertility treatment…it’s not that simple. You get poked almost everyday, wait for results, for new findings…it’s a long and emotional roller coaster.

The fact that you can’t get pregnant is unexplained”, the doctor told us after a few months. What that means is that nothing wrong shows on the tests. They just couldn’t explain why I wasn’t able to conceive.

My husband kept my spirits up. He accompanied me to the clinic almost every day. He joked with the staff, laughed with me, gave me the needles (I couldn’t even look at the needles, never mind do them myself).

I started to hate going to the clinic. So many women in the waiting room everyday with so many different backgrounds, sad faces, hopelessness, shame…I wondered what each of them were feeling and their stories. Wouldn’t you?  But I guess it was just like mine.

We did IUI three times. It was my first ‘big procedure’. You do the transfer and wait for 12 days to get the result.

After 12 days I went to do the pregnancy test early in the morning. “We will call you at noon with the result”, the receptionist used to say. I remember how nervous I was waiting for the phone to ring. And all the three times they said: It’s negative, come back on day 3 to start again. Devastated – this is the word to describe the feeling. There were so many tears, so much sadness and frustration.

By now we had spent thousands of dollars and the worst was still to come. My next step was the IVF (in vitro fertilization), a much more invasive procedure. The doctor kept giving me statistics when all I wanted was a hug and reassurance that everything was going to work out and I was going to be a mom.

In the meantime, I looked for alternative treatments, natural medicine, herbs, qi gong. Whatever I heard, I tried. But I didn’t want to wait any longer. It had been three long years.  I was afraid and what if none of these options worked.

I decided to take the next step: IVF. I was afraid of the unknown, the pain, the procedure in general and I was emotionally drained. My first IVF failed and so did my second.

I had the support of many friends who knew about what I was going through. My sister-in-law gave me faith. One of my best friends Jennifer (I’ve changed her name to protect her privacy) was going through the same thing. We shared a lot, cried together even more, and dreamt about the day our babies would play together. We truly supported each other.

The Belief

I knew I was going to be a mom one day. During that time, I started to take a lot of personal growth courses, which helped me to understand my feelings, understand where my negative emotions were coming from. I released a lot of pain from the past.

I had also met an incredible naturopath doctor from Canmore, Alberta, who became my friend. I spent a lot of time with him. He lifted my spirits.

After one week of intense treatments with him, I decided to go to Brazil to visit a fertility clinic where my cousin had done her IVF.

I felt confident that it was going to happen. After all, my body was relaxed, my mind was at peace, my wounds from the past had healed, I had changed my eating habits, my best friend was taking care of my business. I was ready!

I did the procedure and on day 12, the doctor called me to break the news: It was the most nerve-racking day of my life.  First the anxiety waiting for the call, second the explosion of happiness to hear that I was PREGNANT.

My baby Thomas was born in Toronto on the same day that my dear IVF doctor celebrates his birthday. Coincidence? Maybe.

By the way, my friend Jennifer (name changed) had a baby boy exactly 9 months after Thomas was born. It was on her 7th IVF cycle. Our boys play together nowadays.

On a personal note: If you are going through fertility treatment right now, all I can say is that if you DO believe deep in your heart that you are going to be a mom, if you feel that it will happen sooner or later, keep faith in your ability.

Set your goal to have a child with unwavering desire. The reward will be a little ‘miracle’ in your arms.

Do you have any questions? What did you learn?  Is there anything I need to know? Share your story with us! Your words can help someone out there.

Fabiana Bacchini

 Fabiana Bacchini is a Brazilian journalist, MA in Sociology. She is a certified NLP Master Practitioner by The American Board of Neuro Linguistic Programming. She has been living in Toronto for nine years with her husband and her 2 year old son.  As a life coach, she helps women to re-discover themselves and live the life of their dreams. To contact Fabiana, visit her website at http://rediscoveryoucoaching.com/  or send her an e-mail to bacchini@hotmail.com

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